A Diamond of the First Water

Wrote the following to a program friend who texted she was having difficulties:

Carol, my thoughts, when I feel distant from G-d, always turn to fear because my disease uses fear and it's following destructivity to try and keep me far away from G-d. I have to test each thought, like the BB instructs, to evaluate its bottommost source. I don't think I have ever failed to connect every thought to either G-d or my disease trying to get me to pick up.

Even when I am recovered, my disease uses my human emotions against me. It accentuates and exaggerates them PAST normal limits so that I'll NEED to readjust them back to center. Through the process of recovery, I learn more and more to recognize when I am distant from G-d and realign/recenter myself BEFORE the human emotions hit - thereby preventing excess.

Step 11 provides that preemptive protection. When these strong feelings do sneak in, step 10 gives me a way to process them immediately to get back to center. If I don't do these things the food talks to me and if I get into a conversation with the food, it will always, EVENTUALLY, convince me to eat.

I have see now that, as Sally shared so beautifully this morning, my focus should be on the outermost gate of my castle - my spiritual connection. Should the disease break through due to MY lack of consistent stepwork. I have Step 10 to hopefully catch it as races towards the castle door. But if it reaches the castle, it is close enough to talk to me. It is far more clever than I am and will EVENTUALLY talk me into opening the door myself.

My daily spiritual practice: I like to do a lot of G-d writing, example I talk to G-d and ask questions and then I put my pencil or pen in my left hand (I'm right handed) and I just write whatever it seems like G-d wants to tell me. I never get readable words but the words that seem to come into my mind to write are amazingly loving and helpful. I call this G-d writing and I learned it from someone in program.

Another thing I like to do to help get me in the mood to slow down and pray, is lite incense for a few minutes. I only use incense when I am praying or meditating so it immediately is associated with slowing down.

Part of my spiritual practice is using crystals while meditating and Tarot cards for insight. I only read them for myself and only for insight, not for fortune telling.

When I feel blocked from G-d, even when I'm trying to meditate or pray, it usually means that I'm angry with G-d about something and I don't realize it. It usually requires a hard-core praying session in which I actually complain to God. I say everything that's on my mind and in my heart and that usually involves tears - but that's the best kind of prayer in my opinion. That's the kind of prayer that really opens me up. Once I've done this I discover that I'm not angry with God anymore and I feel understood and one with G-d again.

I think the most important part of my spiritual practice is dialoguing with G-d as much as I can think to do it during the day. I say thank you for every little thing I can possibly say thank you for. I ask my questions whenever I can remember to. I have found asking God how I should BE in a situation, like the Big Book says, gives me more direction than asking what I should do.

Of course there are the morning and evening daily 11th step practices that I know I'm supposed to be doing. However, I do those less often than the above. I'm trying to remember to do them every day.

So I'm a big fan of Chef AJ, the vegan chef, author, and media personality.  She regularly does interviews regarding whole-food, plant-based diets or food addiction.  This video was recorded a few weeks ago.  The man she interviews, LAnce Dodes, is very anti-12 step.  His comments reveal very little understanding of how the programs work, however.

Here's Chef AJ's interview of Dr. Dodes:
https://youtu.be/E_VUM5ejbKg

Here is an article commenting on him and his book on addiction. I like its point.
https://treatmentandrecoverysystems.com/blogs/thinking-about-addiction/another-debate-same-subject/

 I go back and forth as to whether I am alcoholic or not. If I am, I'm a "high-bottom".   It's hard to know if I like sweet alcoholic beverages because they are sweet or because of the alcohol, or both.  Liquor and beer have no pull.  Whether I am or not, I was one and a half years sober when I decided yesterday to drink the rest of the Passover wine.  If I listen to the small voice in my head, it suggests I went to the alcohol because the food wasn't giving me that certain something I was craving, so I looked for it in wine.  Fortunately, after two drinks I dumped out the rest.  

So today is both my abstinent date and my sobriety date.  

April 15, 2017

I reset my sobriety counter in an app I have. I also deleted all the diet apps on my phone. I left the recovery ones on there, of course. 

Step 11 suggests we ask our Higher Powers (HP) for guidance throughout the day and to show us how we can be useful to others. I read that as, "How can I be perfect?" This is NOT a recovery thought, it is an addictive thought.

Step 11 suggests that in the evening, we do a daily review to identify how our character defects have interfeared with our being useful to G-d and our fellows. I was reading this as, "How much did I screw up today?" This is also a disease/addiction thought. I've really used the 4th and 10th steps as ways to kick myself.

When I think about being "useful", I see that doing HP's will really is possible. I feel so light and loved now that I am seeing the Big Book's real words.

My 18 year-old son has a tumor on his hypothalamus, right smack in the middle of his brain. The latest MRI showed that it might have grown a tad. I want him to go on a dairy-free diet to limit the tumor's growth. He doesn't want to and hubby won't back me. This is going to be an ongoing issue.

It's true my son is 18 and headed off to college in August, and since he pretty-much only eats dairy and starch, there's not much I can do. I told them both I can't be complicit in him hurting himself. I will not be buying any dairy from now on but my husband will.

I'm trying to keep this from becoming a Resentment. I use a big R because an ongoing resentment can trigger addictive behavior in me. And that can kill me.