12 Step

Apr. 24th, 2017 05:36 am
regencylady: (Default)
My daily spiritual practice: I like to do a lot of G-d writing, example I talk to G-d and ask questions and then I put my pencil or pen in my left hand (I'm right handed) and I just write whatever it seems like G-d wants to tell me. I never get readable words but the words that seem to come into my mind to write are amazingly loving and helpful. I call this G-d writing and I learned it from someone in program.

Another thing I like to do to help get me in the mood to slow down and pray, is lite incense for a few minutes. I only use incense when I am praying or meditating so it immediately is associated with slowing down.

Part of my spiritual practice is using crystals while meditating and Tarot cards for insight. I only read them for myself and only for insight, not for fortune telling.

When I feel blocked from G-d, even when I'm trying to meditate or pray, it usually means that I'm angry with G-d about something and I don't realize it. It usually requires a hard-core praying session in which I actually complain to God. I say everything that's on my mind and in my heart and that usually involves tears - but that's the best kind of prayer in my opinion. That's the kind of prayer that really opens me up. Once I've done this I discover that I'm not angry with God anymore and I feel understood and one with G-d again.

I think the most important part of my spiritual practice is dialoguing with G-d as much as I can think to do it during the day. I say thank you for every little thing I can possibly say thank you for. I ask my questions whenever I can remember to. I have found asking God how I should BE in a situation, like the Big Book says, gives me more direction than asking what I should do.

Of course there are the morning and evening daily 11th step practices that I know I'm supposed to be doing. However, I do those less often than the above. I'm trying to remember to do them every day.
regencylady: (Default)
Heard in a YouTube audio, "I am a prisoner of my mind". To me, I am a PUPPET of my mind because addiction has turned it into a monster. When I reduce my Ego (which is my mind) through step-work, G-d can fill that hole. G-d is all around us pressing in but we have walls up pushing back. It seems G-d respects those boundaries which WE OURSELVES have built. When I take a risk and pull down a part of a wall, it allows G-d to flow in.

Anything good I do is because I have let G-d take over that situation. Fear builds walls. Resentment, self-absorption, and dishonesty cover the walls. When I surrendder the fears, the walls evaporate and those defects of character melt away, too.

Gratitudes

Apr. 23rd, 2017 08:08 am
regencylady: (Default)
Gratitudes:
1. Sobriety and another chance at abstinence (picked away at cold cereal last night 😕 Didn't even realize I was doing it until far too late! Re-drawing my Red Lines/food boundaries to strengthen my program and doing more prayer today.)
2. It's a gorgeous day out. I'm going to the National Zoo to do some photography. Waiting to see if my son or a friend can go with me. If not I'll go with G-d. 🙏
3. My G-d letter and His response were reassuring.
4. I have an idea for making something that will assist my students in their writing. It's definitely a G-d inspired idea.
5. G-d may be arranging for us to foster a student from my class for awhile. Her parents are involved in as viscous a custody battle as there can be. False accusations and restraining orders abound. She may end up in the foster-care system. This would be horrible for her. However my hubby and I have fostered girls before and G-d may be arranging life again to give us another opportunity to be of service.
regencylady: (Default)
I suggested a writing exercise to sponsees a couple times today. Writing solid gratitude lists are a way to shift perspective about a person we resent in order to make prayer about them easier.

So I managed one for my dad and step-mom. When I started one on my twin brother, I could only find one thing to write and after felt tremendous, indescribable, negative energy towards him. I knew I resented my step-siblings but sheesh. This was bad. So I have even more spiritual work to do before next weekend's wedding. I think the trick is to WANT to give up the resentments.

Felt nagging hunger for awhile tonight after dinner. Like I just needed a little something something, an unknown food. Found myself looking through cabinets and the fridge waiting for something to grab me.

Fortunately G-d led me to try listening to a YouTube guided meditation to see if that's was what was really needed. It was. Amazing how I was trying to use food to comfort myself.

Gratitudes

Apr. 22nd, 2017 11:38 am
regencylady: (Default)
I feel connected to HP this morning just enough to know I really need to live in the program today. I need to do a lot of food prep for the week so that abstinent eating is the easier choice. I was going to go do some photography in downtown D.C. but it's supposed to rain all day. So my day is open for "extra" program work. (G-d knows I need this additional jolt of program.)

Gratitudes:
1. Sobriety and abstinence (still tightening up).
2. Great AA talk by Tattoo Steven on a podcast.
3. I learned that 12 steppers, who are in public and want to use, sometimes ask the for the public address system to page, "A friend of Bill and Bob."
4. That even though hubby is gone and I don't have any witnesses, I still don't feel like I want to pick up. I could "get away with it" (because there are no witnesses), but G-d is keeping the disease away.
5. That you all are here.
regencylady: (Default)
It's been a while since I did my morning (AA) prayers, G-d writing, and daily Tarot.

Today's messages in the G-d writing was to pray more and to talk to G-d more. Dialogue with G-d!

A word about my Tarot: I only read for myself, I clear the cards with white light between readings, and I ask on G-d to come through. Periodically, like today, I burn some sage to clear the cards, my crystals, my room, and myself.



The spread I created for my Tarot is the three card spread below. I'm the first card on the Left is what G-d wants to tell me today regarding my physical health. The middle, my mental/emotional health, and the one on the right is about spiritual health. With that in mind, I read the cards as saying I have a new opportunity to start anew with my physical health (abstinence), mentally I am still running away from something I must address or I will eat again. Lastly, spiritually I am beginning to break the bonds of addiction should I keep in close contact with G-d today.

I prayed for the health and happiness of my family-of-origin. Then I opened my Tehillim (Book of Psalms) and it opened to number 30 - which talks about G-d protecting the speaker from slander and ill-will of groups of people. Sounds perfect regarding my family-of-origin!
regencylady: (Default)

1. Sobriety and abstinence (so far today, not getting cocky here!)
2. Passover is over and I don't have work until tomorrow. 
3. Listened to most of the three hours of Vision today while resetting my kitchen. 
4. Nice nap today. 
5. Blew a fuse in the kitchen with a new electronic gadget and figured out the fix all by myself. Took about a half hour or so.  Usually hubby handles it, but he's out-of-town for a week starting this morning. 

Breakfast: large plate of roasted veggies (no-oil), bowl of brown rice with Mrs. Dash, coffee with 1/4 c coffee.
Lunch: two red potatoes, an apple, a banana, strawberries, coffeee - black. 



regencylady: (Default)
 Gratitudes:
1. Sobriety and no binging, although I did eat matzah.  Back to normal eating tomorrow as Passover ends tonight. 
2. My hubby loves me and packed up all the Passover dishes for me. I'll finish flipping the kitchen back tonight or tomorrow. 
3. Decided that I can't take Percocet any more.  It's started to mess up my sleep, not help with pain, and triggered last night's mood swing.  Grateful for clarity. 
4. My dogs cuddling with me. 
5. Getting back to a normal schedule. 
regencylady: (Default)
So I'm a big fan of Chef AJ, the vegan chef, author, and media personality.  She regularly does interviews regarding whole-food, plant-based diets or food addiction.  This video was recorded a few weeks ago.  The man she interviews, LAnce Dodes, is very anti-12 step.  His comments reveal very little understanding of how the programs work, however.

Here's Chef AJ's interview of Dr. Dodes:
https://youtu.be/E_VUM5ejbKg

Here is an article commenting on him and his book on addiction. I like its point.
https://treatmentandrecoverysystems.com/blogs/thinking-about-addiction/another-debate-same-subject/
regencylady: (Default)
 Gratitudes:
1. Sobriety and no binging today. 
2. AA meeting tonight and I got a nap in so I should be able to make it. 
3. Picked up lots of fruit and fresh veggies for the last two days of Passover. 
4. Enjoying journaling again.
5. My children are safe. 

 
I've been listening to Joe H. (AA) all evening (didn't make the meeting because I had to take care of my food).  It's just what I think I needed.   He spends a lot of time emphasizing that we get sober/abstinent va G-d's Grace.  As soon as we think we had something to do with it, we lose it.  That's PRECISELY what happened to me yesterday.   Amazing how G-d works!!! 🙏🙌🖖🖖

ETA: at 10:10 to say I went to the AA meeting. It was on the second step and I realized I haven't had the necessary spiritual awakening yet. Strongly considering a 90 in 90. 
regencylady: (Default)
 Gratitudes:
1. Another chance at sobriety and abstinence. (Yes, both - Today is Day One in each Fellowship.)
2. That fellows from this group reached out over text and phone. 
3. That there are so many recovery talks online so that I could soak myself in the message carried by people with strong recovery. 
4. That when an old friend had a mental health crises in California, G-d allowed me to be of service to her for several hours on the phone. I desperately needed to be useful today. (And everyday)
5. That G-d gave me the gift of a moment of clear thought and I was honest with my sponsor, which led me to be honest with others.
regencylady: (Default)
 I go back and forth as to whether I am alcoholic or not. If I am, I'm a "high-bottom".   It's hard to know if I like sweet alcoholic beverages because they are sweet or because of the alcohol, or both.  Liquor and beer have no pull.  Whether I am or not, I was one and a half years sober when I decided yesterday to drink the rest of the Passover wine.  If I listen to the small voice in my head, it suggests I went to the alcohol because the food wasn't giving me that certain something I was craving, so I looked for it in wine.  Fortunately, after two drinks I dumped out the rest.  

So today is both my abstinent date and my sobriety date.  

April 15, 2017

I reset my sobriety counter in an app I have. I also deleted all the diet apps on my phone. I left the recovery ones on there, of course. 

Day Zero

Apr. 15th, 2017 04:18 am
regencylady: (Default)
Binged on frozen (and then baked) potato products I bought "for my husband". I shouldn't have taken the chance. I'm not recovered (wasn't recovered) enough for such a risk. I was calorie counting and restricting and all of these elements combined to pull me down. I didn't have any business doing any of the three.

Just texted my sponsor. I'll see what she says about telling my sponsees. 😕 I really don't want to let them down. ..... she just texted back. I should tell them and give them the option of getting a new sponsor. If it happens again I need to stop sponsoring for a while.
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Here are my thoughts after listening to AA's Joe Hawk.

This talk (see link below) is exactly what I needed. Thanks to a sponsee for this. I was starting to think I had something to do with my abstinence. I even said so out loud yesterday. I said I was in partnership with G-d. I forgot recovery was 100% a gift.

I am thinking now that recovery is like fire. No matter how hard *I* (Jen) rub sticks together, I cannot make fire. I need lightening from G-d. But I sure have the power to blow that fire out and be left with nothing!

That's where my "power" lies - getting RID of the gift of recovery. I have no power in getting it back.

http://www.recoveryaudio.org/aa-speaker-tapes/how-it-works-recovery-concepts
regencylady: (Default)
I am part of a 10 person texting group with fellow OAers from the A Vision for You phone meeting. Among other things, we share five daily gratitudes. I think I'll start copying them to here. I'd love to hear all of yours, too!

Gratitudes:
1. Sobriety and abstinence in partnership with G-d. (I've learned that if I say abstinence is entirely a gift, then l have an excuse to not put the footwork in and can abdicate responsibility.)
2. Discovering abstinent foods, combinations, and preparation methods that are both abstinent and compliant with Passover.
3. My sponsee calls got me into program/recovery thinking right away today and I needed it.
4. Learning that the root of my physical pains is probably inflammation which may be controllable via proper diet.
5. A gorgeous day - I have no excuse to not go run/walk around the neighborhood. This is my first attempt at running at all for many years. I'm hoping the 55 lbs. I have off are enough to run safely. I'll be watching my knees.

Running

Apr. 13th, 2017 07:32 pm
regencylady: (Default)


Ok, I WILL go running tomorrow.. Scheduling it now for 7:30 am.

Listening to a lecture on proper nutrition. The speaker suggests an 80-10-10 macronutrient ratio. 80% is the carbohydrates. Yet she also recommends setting your meal as a bowl of salad, half a plate whole grains/potatoes, and half a plate of cooked veggies. There's a lot of protein in veggies, so 10% in protein sounds low.

I did cheat today. I had some very salty BBQ potato chips. I was craving salt. Perhaps legitimately as I've been getting dizzy.
regencylady: (Default)
When I eat clean enough (whole-food, plant-based with no sugar, oil, or salt) I have less inflammation in my body and less pain. However, I am a compulsive eater/food addict and the bad foods call me. So staying clean enough is a real challenge.

I guess I need to start tracking what I eat, (no matter how small the bite), so I can tease out what PRECISELY causes the reactions. I do have cravings for salt as well as have low enough blood pressure that I get dizzy easily. So I'd like to know if I really need to be cutting salt.
regencylady: (Default)
Step 11 suggests we ask our Higher Powers (HP) for guidance throughout the day and to show us how we can be useful to others. I read that as, "How can I be perfect?" This is NOT a recovery thought, it is an addictive thought.

Step 11 suggests that in the evening, we do a daily review to identify how our character defects have interfeared with our being useful to G-d and our fellows. I was reading this as, "How much did I screw up today?" This is also a disease/addiction thought. I've really used the 4th and 10th steps as ways to kick myself.

When I think about being "useful", I see that doing HP's will really is possible. I feel so light and loved now that I am seeing the Big Book's real words.
regencylady: (Default)
We are moving to this NJ townhouse in Mid-July.


It has a small back deck off the main floor and a walk-out basement to a paved patio. Currently we are living in a rental in Maryland. (Hubby is military.) We currently have a enormous, green, fenced in backyard where Sophie and Zuko play and potty. They are learning to walk on leashes with my hubby and I walking them. But they only potty in the backyard. This isn't good. In Jersey they'll have to go on walks, at least a lot of the time.

Sophie and Zuko were breeder dogs at separate, unknown puppy-mills in Pennsylvania. They were discarded by the mills, or rescued in a raid. There's no history from the rescue society. We have guesstimated ages of nine for Zuko and six for Sophie. No one knows how Zuko lost his eye.

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