regencylady | Recent Entries

Feeling physically depressed. Don’t want to do anything like shower or go,to the grocery store, or start laundry. Want to do nothing.

I’m spending too much time on social media. I’m like a rat hitting a button for the potential of a zap of endorphins in all my free time. I don’t read. I rarely write. I’m killing my attention span and concentration, and dumbing down my vocabulary and spelling. Taking it off my phone now.... done. Removed FB and Reddit. I still,have them on my iPad but that will limit me a little. Maybe I’ll end up reading the ebooks on my phone more. I have a couple of novels to read tomorrow in actual book form to read also.

Seeing my SIL and my niece today for lunch and a movie. Won’t be leaving until 11:00. I have several program calls coming in as well as phone meetings to listen to before then. Hopefully I’ll get myself showered soon. I also have housework to do.

Abstinence will likely be a struggle today. I’m glad I won’t be home to eat my way through the kitchen.

Today I am teaching middle-school English in less a populated area of the state. I taught in this district on Monday. Like my students the last two days, they are from under-served populations. I am curious in the cell phone problem will occur there. If so I’ll read to the students, or try anyway. Hopefully there are lesson plans.

Woke up super early. Did yoga. It was awesome.

So inner-city HS teaching is not for me, a short pale chick. I have zero street cred and no physical intimidation techniques. I actually really liked the kids, but not their addiction to cell phones. I could NOT get them to take out their earphones and participate in work. A few did math worksheets but mist just killed time on thornier phones. I was told that it was obvious that I didn’t teach in the inner-city before because I was expecting them to work.

Apparently the regular teachers allow the earphones. I can understand why, to a degree. There were no real behavior problems because the phones were acting as entertainment and, most importantly, as an opiate. It was clear there would have been violence had I attempted to confiscate a phone! Anyway, I was not much more than a babysitter. I was not able to actually teach. I almost did in the literature class because I talked a number of students into trying a few novels in the class. Unfortunately, the books were on grade level. The students however, were nowhere near grade level so they gave up after half a paragraph in frustration. There was nothing in the room at their reading levels. In retrospect maybe I could have read them a short story and we could have discussed it - yeah right. They would have kept listening to their phones. But I’ll give that a try if I’m ever I’m that place again. No, the regular teacher did not leave work or a lesson plan.

I was only cursed at a few times and called a bitch once. I consider this a win given the attempts I made to get my students to work and/or take out their earphones. Again, I liked the kids. They have clearly been systematically under-served by being allowed the phones in school, and I imagine it starts in middle school. I wonder if a school could block cell-phone signals...

I’m teaching in a challenging high school. Math, too. Which I can’t do well at the high school level. But if I stay calm and let my Higher Power guide me, I’ll know what to do. It’s only when I get nervous about how *I* look that I lose my connection. If I remember how G-d wants me to be, respectful and caring, I’ll be ok.

I need to leave at 7:15 so I have plenty of time to go and find parking. The school is in Camden, which is definitely “city”.

Yesterday went well. I was 50 minutes early so I worked on learning through a book on teaching. It’s about the achievement gap with certain populations and what new research there is on closing it. It applies to the population I am working with today. This is a population that doesn’t generally get a lot of respect from staff and ins often over-managed to a point where school can feel a bit like incarceration. My book gave me some ideas on how to run things today I am interested in putting into practice. For example, group-work is supposed to be engaging in particular for the group I am teaching today. So I’ll try that in a few classes. If it doesn’t work out I’ll table it and research it more before next time.

Food is good, thank you G-d. I was extra hungry last night after literally being on my feet so much. So I had additional starch (Cheerios). According to my food plan, that is acceptable on a day I’ve had more physical exertion. Not everyone in program will allow that for themselves or their sponsees, but that responsiveness is an important part on my eating disorder responsiveness.

My food is planned for today.

The new job is subbing in the public schools around here. I have a website to go on that lists the jobs and I can reserve the positions I want. I have some butterflies but not too much. I love teaching and see this as a challenge I can rise to. Today is only a half-day Special Ed, lead teacher position. No idea what I’m doing but the classroom aids will know the routine. So as long as I remain teachable myself, it won’t be a problem. Looking forward. The job is about 45 minutes away and I’m giving myself over an hour in case traffic is bad or my sign-in process takes longer than I expect.

I have four active sponsees right now. Three call daily for check-ins and text their food in. I think this works best in the beginning. It helps me tremendously to have daily contact.

Work with sponsees are saving me. I hear G-d’s words coming out of my mouth and it’s frequently what I need to hear too. I have two sponsees at the beginning of their path and one in step four. I could use one more but will wait until I move the two I have through the book a little more.

I feel bloated and shared that with a fellow yesterday. She suggested that I look at my abstinence more closely. I have thought about it and I think it’s mostly water retention from the high levels of sodium I’ve been ingesting.

My hips hurt from walking several miles yesterday. I’m in the new running shoes, which helps, but it’s clear I need to be exercising more to lose weight. I’m reluctant to ask my dietician to cut my food down because calorie deficits can trigger cravings. On the other hand, without a calorie deficit, I won’t lose. So I’m going to make an effort to choosing the lighter food options within my exchanges and do the daily walking. My tennis elbow is pretty bad so weight lifting is out at this moment. My priority though, is staying connected to my Higher Power, because that is what keeps the cravings at bay.

Speaking of my Higher Power, I feel like He expects more from me than I can deliver. Intellectually, I suspect I am mixing up my relationship with my dad and my HP. I have always felt like a disappointment to my father. Nowadays he says he’s proud of me, but my teen years were one long nightmare of never being good enough. It’s still that way in some areas. So I am trying to see G-d with the proper mix of Awe and Love without the hang-ups of my childhood. Obviously I need to pray to HP to show me how to relate to Him, but need to be open to the messages He sends through others.

The eight day holiday of Pesach/Passover has been a real challenge with the food. School is out so I am stuck at home most days with nothing to do. Tuesday and Thursday are face-to-face meeting days, so that”s helpful. Food’s been weird. It always is during Pesach. Looking forward to getting back on my regular diet Sunday. Mostly I miss oatmeal and Ezekiel Bread.

My unsweetened cocoa is becoming a problem. I may keep it for now in my coffee and Teechino tea, but not use it on food. That’s a painful one to give up but my use was clearly escalating.

I bought new walking/running shoes from a running specialty store. They were $150!! Of course because I’m a heavy “runner” I have to wear the kind with the highest padding. So that adds up. I don’t wear the Athena ones though. They feel like cement blocks on my feet.

I took the dogs out yesterday AM for their first spring walk. I could really tell the difference in my feet with good shoes on. My sciatica started acting up so we made it a short one. It’s pretty chilly this morning but the sun is up, so I’ll go again this morning with my doggies. I have a path around the neighborhood that takes approximately 40 minutes. As I and my dogs get more comfortable with the walk, we’ll start running parts of it.

All my paperwork is in for teaching in the public schools. I’ll call later and double-check that everything is in ok.

—— Just finished my morning walk with the dogs in the sunshine, hopefully it will help me feel better. I got into a slight depression yesterday because of isolation. Today I will be getting out to the meeting at least.

I talked to two sponsees already. They seem to think I’m helpful. I’m just passing on the words I’ve heard.

I’m blanking out already. Trying to make a few notes.

One of my hobbies is birdwatching and maintaining a bird feeding station. Consequently I spend way too much money at local Wild Birds Unlimited store. Yesterday I got into a conversation with the owner and asked about part-time work there. She gave me a mini-interview and asked me to fill out an application. I told her that I’m available in the evenings and Sunday. So I prepared the application and included my resume and teaching recommendation letters. I’ll drop it off this afternoon after a teaching gig.

I’m a substitute teacher by day. I actually prefer it to being a lead teacher, which I have done successfully in the past. I just don’t have the stamina to work full-time PLUS do the necessary three hours of daily classroom prep that a good teacher puts into teaching. After Spring Break I’ll be teaching in the public schools in addition to the Jewish Day School where I teach frequently. That’s where I’m teaching today.

Just found out about a WhatsApp conversation with fellow Jewish woman in recovery. So that’s totally cool. I downloaded the app and I’ll be joining it ASAP.

I am friends with someone close to the Rabbi. When I told this person that I was using Rabbi Twerski’s Haggadah for a 12 step Seder, they gave me Rabbi Twerski’s email to tell him myself. I emailed him ASAP and got a reply first thing giving me a hearty thank you for telling him and wish8ng me a good Pesach. I plan on telling him how it went after the first set of Yomim Tovim.

Now for the Pesach miracle. I woke up at 3am and made the charoset. It’s a lovely mixture of nuts, apples, cinnamon, and usually wine. I made mine with grape juice so that my alcoholic guests can have it with no problems. It’s not as yummy, but that’s probably good for me. Here’s the miracle: I didn’t even taste ONE bit. Always before I have eaten half of hat I made. The tenth step promise that I didn’t need to even swear it off came true. In fact, I didn’t eat anything. Usually I eat something.

Rabbi Twerski’s recordings on addiction on YouTube are excellent.

My agenda for today:
Recovery phone meetings early this morning. Interview and training for subbing in the public schools until noon. Grocery shopping for perishables.

The kitchen is flipped to Pesach mode. It’s ready for me to unpack the cookware and dishes. But I don’t have food yet! I’ll do Starbucks for coffee in frappacino form; I always get the skinny mocha. I just found out that in regular Starbucks only the cold drinks, that have always been cold (so no iced tea or coffee) are kosher! Wow. Huge revelation. We’ve all been screwing that one up.

OA f2f meeting at 10:00. I wasn’t originally planning on going this week because I have so much Passover stuff to do, but with my arm like this I can’t really do anything anyway. But I need to keep my focus on program, so it’s good I’m going to the meeting.

My hubby came up with the idea that an elbow brace might help. CVS had one especially made for tennis elbow with compression pads. It’s helping soooo much.

I was listening to a Tanya podcast (Jewish Mystical Thought) and a specific line caught my attention. The discussion was covering our animal nature vs. our G-dly nature, we have both inside us. My animal nature wants to eat compulsively, but that choice keeps me on a lower plane than my G-dly nature and I am depriving myself of that higher experience. Then Rabbi Manis Friedman, the speaker, mentioned that one could have seconds or dessert OR connect with G-d. Woah!! That’s the problem and the only solution I have is working the 12 steps to create and connect to my Higher Power so that I am able to choose that Higher plane.

Kitchen is partially flipped. I may be done today but probably not until tomorrow. I am sitting with my anti-SAD sun lamp and writing, but when my time is up I’ll be covering the counters with shelf paper. Then I’ll empty, clean, and restock the fridge with kosher-for-Passover food. The I have the floors and dining area to do. At 11:00 I have a bris to attend. After that I’m getting the car cleaned professionally. Currently listening to the OA Big Book meeting which goes until 9:00 am. So I’ll work in the kitchen until then. At 9:00 I’ll do my morning prayers. I’m not feeling very connected to G-d right this moment because I haven’t prayed yet. I don’t like this feeling.

Ok... Off to work in the kitchen. Have a great day everyone!

I developed tennis elbow in my dominant arm. Too much repetive (Intensive sweeping and mopping last night and today.)My hubby now has to finish the cleaning and Pesach prep by himself. I’m in a sling and periodically icing my elbow. Turning it over and trying to accept. Quite frankly it makes me want to cry. I have a big Seder and too much to do this week! Hubby will be at work. 😒

I was so good on Shabbos. I had prepared well ahead of time, and extra thoroughly. Because I had forgotten about the time change I was ready an hour early and so was able to rest and even post here! I truly put away my electronics and except for my CPAP machine, which I need for safety, and my heating pad for my back pain - I was properly Shomer Shabbos! I even davened (prayed) the morning service in the sunshine. It felt good to be so connected to G-d. I enjoyed the book Mystics, Mavericks, and Merrymakers about the girls of the Lubavitch Chassidus world. I often wonder how I would have turned out if I had been able to attend a Jewish High School instead of the boarding school I went to. There was one in Denver that had dorms. That school was about an hour from where I went to school. But G-d’s timing is impeccable as I may not have been ready for observance yet.

The name Basya Chani feels so good now, but I would not have been ready for the change earlier. I guess I had to come to recognize that my non-Jewish father and his family are never going to be a part of my life and that holding on to the name they gave me, which I have not connected with in a long time, is no longer right for me. I have t posted on FB since I changed your name on it. Surprisingly, FB did not make an auto-post about it so no one has noticed. I am not making a formal announcement.

Regarding Pesach prep: the downstairs is mostly done. The amount of dog hair I got off the stairs is staggering and quite frankly, embarrassing. Hubby did some of the kitchen for me last night. I have laundry going now as that is necessary to clean them for Pesach. I have to declutter, vacuum, and mop our bedroom this morning if he wakes up in time before my 9am OA meeting. That’s my home meeting and I need to make it a priority to be there.

I don’t think I mentioned that I ran into my non-Jewish SIL at the grocery store on Friday. We had a lovely talk and made tentative plans to get together on her day off for coffee. She asked what I was up to and I told her about preparing for Pesach. I explained that while the process can be intimidating, it feels good to do it and it’s part of the rhythm of life in our home. She was polite and accepting. I credit the skills and forgiveness I’ve learned in OA for that. At one point our relationship was so strained that she deliberately had a birthday party for one of my nephews and made sure NOTHING in the house was kosher so that we could not eat. She bragged about the effort that took to one of my other sister-in-laws so I kown it really was intentional. So you can easily see why this conversation was such a big deal.

I went to Lakewood, NJ today with a good friend. We are both BTs (Baallei Teshuva - Jews who were not raised Torah Observant that become religious later in life) and live in a marginally religious community far from Lakewood. Lakewood has an ENORMOUS religious community with a huge Yeshiva - school of religious Jewish studies. We went to get a recovery themed Haggadah (From Bondage to Freedom by Rabbi Telushkin) for our Seders on Passover and a few other things.

I was at the big bookstore checking out and they asked for my name and phone number as matter of course for their records of customer purchases. I gave my number and my secular first name, but it felt so wrong to use such a goy-ish name. I felt shame because I’ve been increasing my observance for 23 years and have never taken the significant step of going by my Hebrew name. It’s plain ridiculous. Now my Hebrew name is Chana and I don’t have a middle name, which is unusual. Most religious Jews have two names. So I added Basya the the Chana, and am also using Chani, the diminutive of Chana, instead of the traditional Chana. So now I’m Basya Chani R————. I love it.

Lakewood has so many observant women, and I just receive such chizuk (strengthening) when I visit, that I’ve got to go more often. I love seeing how the women style their modest clothing and Sheitals (wigs worn by Jewish Women to cover their hair.) I, too, wear a sheital. Mine is shoulder length blonde with a little wave to it. Most women there have longer sheitals. and they somehow manage to be stylish and modest at the same time. It’s impressive.

Still haven’t heard about that job. Yesterday was a snow day for the school and today was a delayed start. So maybe the principal just hasn’t had a chance to call.

Bought a Nyger seed Finch feeder and another cylinder of compacted bird food. Set them up. Saw an unusaual bird today. My Sibley guide says that it is an Eurasian sparrow and a rarity in this area. Also picked up the bistro table and two chairs from Home Depot. It’s too early for plants, so the deck will be a little bare for a while.

Final interview for public school substituting next week. I really need to be working for my sanity. Of course the money is needed, too.

Tomorrow I’m headed to Lakewood, NJ for Pesach shopping. I don’t need much: oat matzah for the seders because it doesn’t break my abstinence and Rabbi Twerski’s Haggadah From Bondage to Freedom. It’s apparently 12-step friendly. Everyone at the Seder will be a 12 stepper. Oh, I also need a new tablecloth. That I’ll get at Bed, Bath, and Beyond with one of those 20% off coupons.

I wish I could get pictures on here!

This is just what I haven’t bought yet.

Pesach Shopping List

Trader Joe’s frozen cherries, peaches

Case of matzah(Aviv)

2 Rotisserie chickens (debone and freeze)
3 chicken thighs
1.5lbs of hamburger meat
2 salmons
Salmon in cans
3 lbs. beef roast
Shankbone

Baby potatoes
Russet potatoes
Yellow onions
Garlic
4 shallots
Green onions
Horseradish root

Cheddar
Mozzarella
Parmesan
Milk
Eggs
Whipped butter
Margarine
Ricotta

Fresh Herbs: parsley, sage, thyme, oregano, dill

Apples
Baby carrots
Broccoli crowns
Berries
Grapes
Peppers, red and green

Olive oil
Cocoa powder
Pepper
Mixed nuts

Pesach Food Plan

Notes:
1. I’m flipping the kitchen Sunday/Monday, so menus start with next Monday (Monday before Pesach)
2. I’m not eating matzah or matzah products as flour, even unleavened, triggers my food addiction. Hubby will have matzah though.
3. Fruit and vegetables accompany all dinners - not listed
4. Making double of everything for lunches the next day
5. Potato pancake mix is the only prepared food I’m using. I think Kosher-for-Passover cakes, cereals, etc. are gross. So everything else is homemade.

Monday
- [ ] Rotisserie chicken
- [ ] Baked potatoes

Tuesday
- [ ] Tuna melts
- [ ] Potatoes gratin

Wednesday
- [ ] Chicken thighs
- [ ] Baked homemade fries

Thursday
- [ ] Salmon patties
- [ ] Cheesy stuffed peppers (spinach, ricotta, cheese, Italian herbs, marinara, peppers, Parmesan)

Seders
- [ ] Steamed carrots
- [ ] Steamed broccoli
- [ ] Big salad with nuts, apples, oil and vinegar
- [ ] Hard boiled eggs
- [ ] Parsley
- [ ] Saltwater
- [ ] Charoset (grated nuts, apples, grape juice, cinnamon)
- [ ] Horseradish - grated
- [ ] Matzah ball soup (Rachel)
- [ ] Roast beef
- [ ] Roasted baby potatoes with garlic and shallots, green onions
- [ ] Sautéed onions
- [ ] Fresh berries

Sunday
- [ ] Salmon
- [ ] Mashed potato pancakes

Monday
- [ ] Rotisserie chicken
- [ ] Roasted peppers, onions, garlic

Tuesday
- [ ] Tuna melts with sautéed onions

Wednesday
- [ ] Hamburgers
- [ ] Baked homemade fries

Thursday
- [ ] Salmon patties
- [ ] Potatoes Gratin

Friday
- [ ] Chicken thighs with sage
- [ ] Potato pancakes

Saturday
- [ ] Beef and pepper stir-fry

Other meals
Egg dishes
Matzah pizza (Steve)
Potato pancakes
Salads with oil and vinegar
Fruit and yogurt
Leftover

Had an endoscopy today and the doc took biopsies of my throat. I can barely talk because it hurts so much. Fortunately or unfortunately, I got a message on my VM while during the procedure asking me to call back regarding a job I interviewed for about a month and a half ago. I figured I bombed the interview because I didn’t hear back for weeks and then got a form email telling me I was not being moved forward in th hiring process. So I have no idea why I was called today. Perhaps the person they had hired didn’t work out. So maybe I didn’t bomb the interview. Hmmm. If the lady returns my call back I can barely talk, so hopefully it’ll be a simple call.

Today was my 46th birthday. So many people remembered!

The most meaningful was that my step-mother signed my birthday card. I think that’s a first.

My hubby got me a squirrel-proof bird feeder. It’s so funny to watch the squirrels attempt to eat from it. The perch slides down and covers the food dispensers when there is any weight beyond a bird on them. So the squirrels are very frustrated. They really were eating the birdseed sooo quickly before. We’re due for a Nor’easter, the fourth this March, tomorrow and Wednesday, so I need the food for the birdies!

A good friend got me a pre-tied headscarf and several pins I can wear on it. Very thoughtful. I cover my hair for religious reasons and always love a new option.

I donated a kidney a few years ago and my kidney twin sends me a gift for my birthday every year. My parents also sent a gift card. We have a deck here on the back of our house that hasn’t been furnished beyond a birdbath and birdfeeding center. So the two gifts will enable us to get a little bistro set and side table for it. So excited. Once spring gets here (next week?) I’d like to sit out there with a cup of coffee and write and do my prayers. The deck overlooks a small forest.

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A Diamond of the First Water

I'm feeling quite the thing today

Recent Entries

Physical depression

Today’s plan.

Survived subbing yesterday - but not with my sanity

Today is my biggest fear

Spring Break is over and the new job starts today!

(no subject)

The holiday

Telling my story on a phone meeting this afternoon.

Possible Part-time job!

Talked with Rabbi Twerski over email! And a Pesach miracle.

The kitchen is flipped!

CVS for the win!

A possible disaster.

A marvelous Shabbos

Trip to Lakewood - personal name change

Quick check-in

Pesach Shopping List

Pesach food plan - ideas for fellow Yids

So I can barely talk...

A lovely birthday!