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[personal profile] regencylady
Wrote the following to a program friend who texted she was having difficulties:

Carol, my thoughts, when I feel distant from G-d, always turn to fear because my disease uses fear and it's following destructivity to try and keep me far away from G-d. I have to test each thought, like the BB instructs, to evaluate its bottommost source. I don't think I have ever failed to connect every thought to either G-d or my disease trying to get me to pick up.

Even when I am recovered, my disease uses my human emotions against me. It accentuates and exaggerates them PAST normal limits so that I'll NEED to readjust them back to center. Through the process of recovery, I learn more and more to recognize when I am distant from G-d and realign/recenter myself BEFORE the human emotions hit - thereby preventing excess.

Step 11 provides that preemptive protection. When these strong feelings do sneak in, step 10 gives me a way to process them immediately to get back to center. If I don't do these things the food talks to me and if I get into a conversation with the food, it will always, EVENTUALLY, convince me to eat.

I have see now that, as Sally shared so beautifully this morning, my focus should be on the outermost gate of my castle - my spiritual connection. Should the disease break through due to MY lack of consistent stepwork. I have Step 10 to hopefully catch it as races towards the castle door. But if it reaches the castle, it is close enough to talk to me. It is far more clever than I am and will EVENTUALLY talk me into opening the door myself.
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