regencylady: (Default)
I'm relaxing on a wonderfully soft leather sofa in the main resting area. Around this big room are entrances to smaller rooms that are heated or cold. There is a room filled on all sides and the ceiling with salt. Others are filled with minerals or clay.

My favorite room in the clay room. It's floor is at least 12 inches deep from the entrance and the space is filled with tiny clay balls of various types. It is very hot in there. One is supposed to lie down on the clay balls and wiggle around until perfectly supported. The mass of balls confirms to the body so every sore muscle is cradled and heated through. This experience lasts as long as tolerated and is followed by sitting in the ice room. And yes, the walls and ceiling are iced over. It feels awesome.

Gratitudes

May. 20th, 2017 05:58 am
regencylady: (Default)
Gratitudes:
1. Sobriety and abstinence (thank you G-d, I appreciate it and am NOT taking this recovery for granted!)
2. My hubby isn't upset that I exercised yesterday instead of doing housework. I can't do everything the way I'd like to, and right now I have laser-sharp focus on connecting with G-d (to stay abstinent) and exercise (getting the extra weight off more quickly.)
3. I have been watching old episodes of the Biggest Loser in snippets for motivation. It's eye-opening to see that there were contestants who began at the weight I got up to. I am grateful for the reality check.
4. I swam yesterday morning for an hour. Went I went to the pool I intended just to do 30 minutes. But I decided to keep going because I just heard that the body gives fatigue signals at 50% capacity. So I can safely push myself as long as I feel like I'm not hurting myself.
5. Grateful for all the ways AVFU fits into, and inspires, my life.

Double Day

May. 17th, 2017 05:53 pm
regencylady: (Default)
Workout 1: ran 18 minutes
Workout 2: swam laps 30 minutes

Gratitudes

May. 15th, 2017 09:52 am
regencylady: (Default)
Gratitudes
1. Abstinence and sobriety
2. When I tripped on my wLk this morning, I hurt myself far less than a year ago at a higher weight. Today I could hop back up and keep going. Very grateful.
3. Grateful for glycerine suppositories. After many days of other laxatives, I can finally 💩 - boy am I happy. Seeing a doctor about this today.
4. Grateful for bipolar medications. Without them I'd have died by 18.
5. Grateful I feel G-d so strongly right now that I pray in my dreams.
regencylady: (Default)
Wrote the following to a program friend who texted she was having difficulties:

Carol, my thoughts, when I feel distant from G-d, always turn to fear because my disease uses fear and it's following destructivity to try and keep me far away from G-d. I have to test each thought, like the BB instructs, to evaluate its bottommost source. I don't think I have ever failed to connect every thought to either G-d or my disease trying to get me to pick up.

Even when I am recovered, my disease uses my human emotions against me. It accentuates and exaggerates them PAST normal limits so that I'll NEED to readjust them back to center. Through the process of recovery, I learn more and more to recognize when I am distant from G-d and realign/recenter myself BEFORE the human emotions hit - thereby preventing excess.

Step 11 provides that preemptive protection. When these strong feelings do sneak in, step 10 gives me a way to process them immediately to get back to center. If I don't do these things the food talks to me and if I get into a conversation with the food, it will always, EVENTUALLY, convince me to eat.

I have see now that, as Sally shared so beautifully this morning, my focus should be on the outermost gate of my castle - my spiritual connection. Should the disease break through due to MY lack of consistent stepwork. I have Step 10 to hopefully catch it as races towards the castle door. But if it reaches the castle, it is close enough to talk to me. It is far more clever than I am and will EVENTUALLY talk me into opening the door myself.

Recovery

May. 12th, 2017 08:23 am
regencylady: (Default)
My thoughts, when I feel distant from G-d, always turn to fear because my disease uses fear and it's following destructivity to try and keep me there. I have to test each thought, like the BB instructs, to evaluate its bottommost source. I don't think I have ever failed to connect every thought to either G-d or my disease trying to get me to pick up.

Even when I am recovered, my disease uses my human emotions against me. It accentuates and exaggerates them PAST normal limits so that I'll NEED to readjust them back to center. Through the process of recovery, I learn more and more to recognize when I am distant from G-d and realign/recenter myself BEFORE the human emotions hit - thereby preventing excess.

Step 11 provides that preemptive protection.. When these strong feelings do sneak in, step 10 gives me a way to process them immediately to get back to center. If I don't do these things the food talks to me and if I get into a conversation with the food, it will always, EVENTUALLY, convince me to eat.

I have see now that, as Sally shared so beautifully this morning, my focus should be on the outermost gate of my castle - my spiritual connection. Should the disease break through due to MY lack of consistent stepwork. I have Step 10 to hopefully catch it as races towards the castle door. But if it reaches the castle, it is close enough to talk to me. It is far more clever than I am and will EVENTUALLY talk me into opening the door myself.

Gratitudes

May. 9th, 2017 08:52 pm
regencylady: (Default)
Gratitudes:
1. Abstinence and sobriety (absolutely #1)
2. Week 2/Day 5 weights - check. Great workout. Proud of myself, but grateful to G-d I can do this.
3. Mothers Day at work project moving along well
4. My son had a great visit home from college - and the kids didn't fight the whole time.
5. My doggies love me.

Exercise

May. 8th, 2017 08:49 pm
regencylady: (Default)
Walked Sophie for an hour and a half in two workouts. Hopefully she'll sleep well.


Working on BodySpace's Shortcut to Size 12 week routine. Started week two today. Chest and triceps. They were worked to near exhaustion. I didn't overly push it so I wouldn't hurt myself.

FOO Stuff

May. 7th, 2017 01:18 pm
regencylady: (Default)
Family-of-origin stuff

So my little sister's wedding was last weekend. Two of five siblings won't talk to me because I was a mouthy 13 year-old. They won't get over their grudge and are so adamant about it that I'm not permitted at family events except for both little brother's and sister's weddings. One of my SIL, who loves to throw her $$ and her place in my family in my face, was unabashedly horrible. But I didn't pick up. I didn't even WANT to. It's their problem. Our difficulties were 25 years ago. I'm not the sick one here.

I cried the hottest tears the night after the wedding because of my FOO, but I feel like G-d was holding me and crying, too. I finally see how sick and dusfunctional they all are. I can give up trying to be accepted.

My dad called for his usual Friday call, but left a cold message. I'm not calling him back.

Gratitudes

May. 7th, 2017 07:48 am
regencylady: (Default)
1. Abstinence and sobriety
2. Another day of planned active rest. I'm doing the Shortcut to Size routine on BodyBuilding.com. It's keeping me from overdoing it because it has four lifting days, once body part each day, as well as three planned active rest days. Seems like regular exercise is taking the edge off of life like prayer and meditation does.
Family portraits today, then a few hours in Baltimore Harbor, then indoor skydiving with the fam.
4. Just the right amount of soreness - enough to feel my last workout when I move, but not so much that I am in agony or simply can't move at all. I've been there many times.
5. I'm not taking it personally that one of my sponsees has dropped off the radar.

Gratitudes

May. 1st, 2017 11:30 am
regencylady: (Default)
Gratitudes:
1. Sobriety and abstinence in the face of hellacious circumstances!! 🎉🎉🎉
2. My husband is pretty good.
3. My 18 year-old saw my SIL's behavior with his own eyes. I've never tried to sway his view of his aunt, but I'm glad he can see her for what she is.
4. The food last night didn't look so appetizing anyway.
5. I have to teach coordinate geometry this afternoon and not only do I not know it and won't be up to learning the lesson in time for class, but I will be non-functional by this afternoon due to being awake all night. Fortunately, I found a video on YouTube that explains it.

Gratitudes

Apr. 30th, 2017 04:47 am
regencylady: (Default)
Gratitudes:
1. Sobriety and abstinence
2. I *comfortably* wore high heels last night. First time in years due to weight/balance issues.
3. Can wear a ring I couldn't before because of finger size.
4. I'm up at 4:30 and hubby is too, so nice to have company in the early morning.
5. I've been listening to a podcast by an evolutionary psychologist - and getting a reality check about complacency on my physical fitness (not weight so much as athletic fitness and it's importance.)
regencylady: (Default)
Gratitudes:
1. Sobriety and abstinence
2. Didn't eat last night after the family get-together or in the middle of the night when I got up.
3. It was a beautiful night last night.
4. I found a neat podcast on evolutionary psychology.
5. My hubby's support at my family's get-together.

NA

Apr. 27th, 2017 11:19 am
regencylady: (Default)
I've been sitting in the waiting room while hubby has a minor procedure, listening to the Recovery Radio Network Podcast. This is the first time I've listened to NA speakers and I am dumbfounded at how their childhood's resemble mine. What I experienced was on the extreme side for OA but seems to fit right in with NA.

I am grateful, again, that I never had the opportunity to try drugs in school. I so would have to fit in and would have continued to block the pain of living at that time.

I was on the verge of suicide twice during that time and both times G-d spoke, for real and aloud in my right ear, "it will get better." Both times I said, "It better!" With the second I added, "Because there will not be a third time."
regencylady: (Default)
I've been half-assing work the last few weeks. The result is I have an enormous stack of papers to grade. Fortunately, my hubby will be home in the morning so I can leave the dogs and hang out at Starbucks, guzzle coffee, and try to get through it.
regencylady: (Default)
I stuffed myself with veggies today: three pounds. Also: two pounds starch (potatoes), one pound fruit.

All of that food was only 1600 cal. I'll eat less tomorrow.

Gratitudes

Apr. 25th, 2017 11:33 am
regencylady: (Default)
Gratitudes:

1. Sober and ABSTINENT! Day Three.
2. Was able to call off work this AM for this morning's GI issues.
3. My doggies' love.
4. Hubby will be back tonight! He's been gone a week.
5. Got about half of my stack of essays graded. That took two hours! And I'll have more to assess tonight. Whew. I'm behind the 8-Ball, that's for sure.

Gratitudes

Apr. 24th, 2017 07:59 pm
regencylady: (Default)
Gratitudes:
1. Sobriety and abstinence (yay 🎉)
2.There are some serious financial kinks in both the house closure and paying for the kids' college. And I'm not freaking out. G-d has given me peace and acceptance, for today.
3. Grateful for renting this house.
4. Grateful for my dogs.
5. Grateful for my new online journal.
regencylady: (Default)
Sam (our oldest) didn't have an official graduation, which is why you were not notified about it. His credits from NJ met the criteria to graduate in MD. So he didn't officially graduate. He was part of a ceremony for his old schools graduation because all the kids at his school in his grade did it - whether they had the credits to really graduate or not.

So that's a long-winded way of saying a big deal wasn't made for Sam's graduation, so we can't make a big deal of Asher's (our youngest). Does that make sense?

We don't believe in picking favorites with kids. It's incredibly damaging to each kid separately as well as relationships between the siblings. My parents did that, and continue to, and it has ruined us as siblings.

So one of my SILs is pissed she has just gotten notified of Asher's graduation but was never notified of Sam's. So I explained the above via text. I hope it settles her down.

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